Control

I'm a control freak. I'm not unlike so many other mothers in the world that have taken the word "control" to a whole new level. Now that my boys are older, I am beginning to loosen the grip a little. And it feels good. I am learning to breath again. I am learning to understand that everything I worked so hard to make right (my definition of right) doesn't really matter in the big picture! My youngest calls me the "sheet police" because he would always kick his top sheet to the bottom of the bed and just use his blanket. For years, I would come in and pull that top sheet up from the bottom of his bed and say, "You need this". Why? Because I use a top sheet? Because it is tradition? Because the earth will implode on itself if my children don't use their top sheet?

Neither of them use a top sheet. And probably never will. I don't even put them on their beds anymore.

One day, on Facebook, one of my oldest son's friends posted: "Who uses a top sheet?" I had to laugh and of course posted back that "I do!", adding oh so painfully, "But my children don't". And I felt a moment of shame. Like Ii had somehow failed my kids.

But I haven't. Top sheet-less as they may be, they are becoming who they want to be. And it is time for me to stand back and watch more, control less. No more sheet police. But you can bet mine is tucked neatly under my chin every night.

Today's my birthday!

What a fabulous day! My husband got up at 4:30 to make me a cake. What a great guy he is! We had Italian for dinner and I watched "Goodfellows" with my good fella this afternoon. Very low key, great and memorable day. Love my family and am blessed by those around me! My son Sam, who stayed up all night at a church lock-in, blessed me with being awake part of the day and a gift card from Barnes and Nobles to boot! My oldest son Calvin, is sick and mending back in his room. Bless his heart.

A long day

School starts on Monday, and as usual, I am devastated that my kids will be gone all day, every day. I always miss them! My oldest is in junior college now, and my youngest is going into 7th grade. For some reason, I must clean my childrens' rooms and bathroom right before school starts to ensure an uncluttered mind. If not for them, then for me. As my youngest walked through his empty school today, to locate his locker and his classes, I was moved by how grown up he is. He ran into a couple of friends and suddenly I was ignored. I've been through this before with my oldest, but that doesn't make it hurt any less. It is normal, I know, for a boy to move away from the clutches of his mother in middle school. I accept it and even embrace it for he is showing his desire to be independent from me, which means he has a lot to do between now and the time he starts college.

So I was melancholy today. And thinking back to all the days my boys and I have laughed and played and carried on in mother/child delight. It is slipping from me quickly. And I want to close my eyes right now, the cleaning is all done, hopefully minds are uncluttered and full of fresh energy for Monday, and hold on for this last bit of time. Embracing my childrens lives has come so naturally to me. Letting go is a lot tougher.